Updated: Nov 17
Tantra has healed me by rewiring my neuropathways and changing the subconscious messaging that was unconsciously handed to me by my caretakers who didn't really care about my livelihood and showed it in numerous incidents as a child and as an adult child. The trauma from these abandonment incidents forms a subconscious wound in the brains and other parts of the body. One of the main psychological wounds that many #CPTSD survivors suffer from is the #abandonment depression which comes from early infant stage lack of skin and eye contact beyond the obvious bond of breastfeeding from the mother. I was raised by a single mother who didn't like me that much, its evident my time being coddled and breastfed was lacking. My first bout with abandonment depression occurred when I was only a 13 YEAR OLD GIRL ending a 2 month long relationship with my 8th grade boyfriend Josh. I clearly remember walking down the street in the South San Francisco fog at night making this break up very movie dramatic. Now that I am reading the book on Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder's main symptoms I can trace back in time the major upsets and my reactions to them. Age13 was just one year after my father left to another state to become a card dealer in Reno. (my most obvious Father abandonment incident). 30 years of sex, love and unconscious Complex Post Traumatic Stress Reactions and Relationships OFTEN looked like me getting the same amount of extreme upset over relationships that were probably not even the best ones to begin with and certainly nothing to feel so sad over. In my late 20s I learned to stifle my tears and internalize my disappointment for one night stands or one week onlys but it especially would hit me hard if a guy I liked seemed to show GREAT INTEREST (could be love bombing, sometimes genuine) and then seemingly suddenly had a 360 change of heart, or even if he for any reason decided to move on, especially after 1-3 months. The abandoned baby drop! Noooo. All my teenage girl ever wanted was a boyfriend to stay with her and help her through the lonely days at home with her family who didn't see or care about her. My 2 sisters had live in boyfriends in high school who took care of their emotional needs, picked up the slack of my unavailable mother this way, but I didn't have one of those boyfriend things that I thought I needed so bad to complete me!! The road to self love is life long. Abused kids have to start from depths of the coal mines and learn through experience how to relate with others in non evasive ways and detach gracefully without causing a scene or getting arrested. It usually takes decades, I think I've passed a new level with this last guy however!
7 years ago was the beginning of understanding how to build a SACRED CONTAINER where LOVE ENERGY could truly be felt and shared between 2 people and then consensually and gently released with LOVE until the next time these two should meet, IF EVER AGAIN. The concept was so new to me. It was 2013, in a snowy Seattle winter, my newly risen Tantra Goddess adventure working in a new market, I was able to, make the sweetest love with a gorgeous Divine Masculine Healthy God in ways that I had NEVER experienced in my adult life before (and I was already 34). It was like a Disney movie romance good. We both cried together (He was a ranked army officer, didn't strike me as a cryer) and passionately kissed again and again and then...never met again. Over the years of practicing with my clients and taking these new abilities to LOVE fully without expectation for a future or weight of a past out into my dating life. It soon became easier and more blissful to rise to the apex of truly FELT blissful LOVE ENERGY and then soon afterwards not be involved with that person. I didn't feel abandoned after they left! Eventually, I no longer felt as excited for purely physical or casual sexual interactions that didn't want to include LOVE energy even if it meant waiting MONTHS for a good suitor. Ive used my Sacred Intimacy practice as a way to understand how LOVE works to trigger our natural drugs like adrenalin, oxytocin and dopamine. How it gets us high. addicted. in trouble. again and again again. I have learned that we can very easily exchange LOVE ENERGY in and out of session AND it is contrary to LOVE EMOTION the stuff healthy relationships are made of, and that must be a new container which is filled over TIME and MUTUAL COLLABORATION in building THAT NEW container. And if they do not want to go there, I don't need to beat myself for falling for their tricks or falling for them or whatever my harsh critic wants to berade me with to make me cry harder or feel worse. I don't call myself stupid for getting involved with someone like this, again but I do know that I will be more discerning future forward. He was kind of left over karma from last year that was unresolved. I no longer interpret blame or shame for someone else's choices to run or for someone else's inability to be intimate or communicative with me to mean REJECTION or to mean it was because of something I did, or some qualitiy I didn't have. This is HUGE. I understand that the one that is magnetized to the goddess with abandonment wounds is the GOD with abandonment wounds. So I should have the most compassion for them and be able to recognize them. I don't believe they are narcissitic abusers. He wishes he could love me more. The way this manifests is ghosting behavior, the AVOIDANT is beating the other to the finish line by prematurely ending things that they even desire to continue but sabotage it out of fear of attachment. Having attachment issues is definitely not my fault but I didn't know that until recently so I felt deep shame about it. I have even been shamed by an ex about it. He'd tell me I was afraid to be alone, but that was never it and I knew it. My trauma pattern IS PLAY ALONE. Because I HAD TO for decades! But happy that way. And still radiating LOVE and JOY. Abandonment Depression is a seperate issue. Its the dark hole of hell that the main character DROPPED into in the brilliant film GET OUT.
It has definitely NOT been a perfect track record learning or smooth by any means, but its been a delicious journey. The way that you know that you have healed a wound is that you NATURALLY REACT DIFFERENTLY. This is what happens after you force yourself to consciously CHOOSE to react differently over several years of usually painful events. You're not forcing yourself to cheer up by looking at internet memes and pretending to not feel emotions. You are not drowing out your sorrows with drugs, alcohol, food or even worse someone else. You allow whatever it is to come up, ready to hold space for the light or the dark ugly painful, you are now ready.
In the last 5 days, I've actually been waiting for my last beautfiul lover to respond to my ONE (maybe last) messages. I am suspecting that he is not ever going to respond because he hasn't yet. I have implimented a 1 for 1 policy (because I tend to be codependent and attempt to sway another person to see how good it can be). This means I am unafraid to vulnerably TEXT or MESSAGE FIRST (still fearless open heart) especially if I did have "an amazing XOXOXOXO time, Have a good day baby" morning after message. BUT, I wait. Do they respond? How long does it take? What is the tone of the response? I don't give more than i receive. I am slow. I am calm. I ALLOW them to be themselves, which if they are going to GHOST me or some other character revealing behavior, it will naturally be revealed. So I'm thinking about this last beautiful and wonderful night that I spent with my GHOST (Patrick Swayze?) and I'm NOT feeling abandoned or traumatized because he isn't returning my texts. I am able to stay in my adult self and see that that lack of response is ENOUGH for me to DETACH and NOT feel abandoned by a partner who is clearly unavailable. No tears, no trauma. Just content and also SO ELATED STILL AND GRATEFUL for the wonderful one night of energy we exchanged and all the much needed sacred sensual healing we did, how good he kisses me and the way his longing for me ( and I do believe he does long for me, but for some reason can't actualize his needs into actions he is comfortable with) makes me feel so special. Since I've awakened into my CPTSD healing I've been having one realization after the other and my healing journey has accelerated in the greatest way. There is such sweet relief and feeling a divine blessing of peace surrounding this particular last lover than ever before, I've been sending him love energy (not text messages) with zero expectations but most importantly devoid of judgment of his actions. He is actually not an asshole for choosing not to continue with me. This is your certificate of your lesson learned. You did it. You chose differently. It doesn't hurt! At all. I'm not angry. This lover and I had had a thing a year ago and he did the same shit to me, but I'm telling myself a better story this time than maybe even the one that YOU think of when you read that. Last year he stood me up and a year later this week I spent another great time with him. Short but sweet like a drug binge from the angels. This is the gift that he is. Nothing more, nothing less. In the 2020 vesion story I am proud of myself and I love him as he is, even forever... Aloha Oe. Universe will keep giving you the same things to go through and learn until you choose differently...No one comes through me by accident. It is all Divine Timing. I accepted it graciously.